"Huzzah! There he is!"
Mark spread his arms out to his side and smiled, cocking his head a bit to his left so that the owner of BJ's Videos and Toys got a good look at his deeper right dimple.
"I'm Mike." The man extended his right hand with a pop of his elbow. As he released Mark's hand from his sweaty, fishy palm, he vacuumed what must have been a quart or a gallon of snot into the back of his throat, which Mark watched fall down his throat in a lumping Adam's apple. "Let me show you around." He giggled as he said the last word, so that his voice reached a pitch so high that only Mark and dogs could hear it.
Mark took in the man's form as he passed: spiky blonde-gray hair, slender but with an obnoxious paunch, elbows and a skinny giraffe neck that seemed to click and pop with every step, an ass flatter than plywood. Jesus Christ, thought Mark, if I don't do something with my life, I'll end up like this sad sack of shit someday...
"Over here is our second biggest area of business-"
Mark looked to a wall filled with DVD cases exhibiting every form of every sex part and act imaginable: cocks, cunts, asses, mouths, balls, fists, elbows, ears, nostrils, vaginal, anal, oral, gay, straight, bi, tri, tranny, fisting, golden showers, roman candles, scat, squirting, cumming, swallowing, spitting, horses, dogs, cats, parrots, elves, gnomes, reindeer, squirrels, incest, brothers, sisters, rape, gangbang, black on white, midget...
"This section contains every type-"
"I see-"
Mike giggled. "You have to keep a very keen eye on this section because this where the most loss occurs-"
"But you have cameras all over the place-"
Mike leaned in close, so close that Mark could smell his breath, which contained a hint of cock. "They don't work-"
"What?"
"They don't work. I haven't been able to figure out the wiring-"
"Hire somebody-"
"Cost, my boy, cost."
"Oh." Mark stretched. "Well, I could probably figure it out-"
"Ah, don't worry about it. Just keep an eye on the section and that should be enough-"
Mark nodded. And watched as the man cracked his neck with a sharp jolt of his neck, the mole on the side of his turned-up, red nose shaking as if it were about to mutiny from the ship of his vein-streaked face. He bit his bottom lip.
"Now back here-" Mike pulled back a curtain "-this is my baby, my area." He smiled and led Mark through the doorless entrance.
As Mark looked for more cocks and ass and tits and cunts, his eyebrows raised themselves automatically as he espied nothing but comic books, regular hardcover and paperback books, and mainstream DVDs. "Wow," he said unintentionally.
"Wow is right. When I took over Gay Books so many eons ago and had to change the format of the store just to stay in business, I thought I'd keep a section like this in homage to that now-defunct heaven on earth. In here is where we sell the best comics and classics."
Mark picked up a few of the paperbacks. The Da Vinci Code. Along Came a Spider. Tuesdays with Morrie. He replaced the books on the shelf and looked at Mike, quickly envisioning replacing his bowels with the books and a couple gallons of gasoline. "Nice," he said.
Mike nodded. Then sucked another couple gallons of snot, which seemed to increase the size of his rotund belly as he swallowed.
"And great name-"
"What's that?"
"Of the store. After you converted it over. Great name. BJ's."
"I named it after a puppy I had as a boy-"
"Oh. Did it die?"
"No. It ran away."
Mark bit his lip. "I'm sorry."
"Thanks." Mike sighed. He looked at his feet. Or at least looked down - Mark was sure he couldn't see his feet beyond his belly. He probably hadn't seen his dick since his puppy ran away. "I'll never forget that day. I'd only had him a couple months. He was my best friend. My dad took him for a walk one day. And came back with just the leash. I'll never forget what he told me: 'Your goddamn mutt, which shits all over this goddamn, fucking house and which I hate to high heaven, got loose and ran away!'"
Mark bit his bottom lip again and looked away as Mike's teary, bloodshot eyes met his. "I'm sorry."
"Thanks."
Mike sighed another cumbucket of snot into his stomach. "Okay, now for the money maker," he said. And took off through the curtain, leading Mark through a creaky door into a dark chamber lit by one low-watt light bulb. As Mark's eyes adjusted, he saw that he was in the center of a narrow hallway, down each side of which was another hallway pockmarked with 5 doors on each side. "These are the video booths. This is what keeps us afloat. And what keeps my Malibu on the road."
"How much you make on these?"
"Believe it or not, about twenty grand a month."
"Wow!"
"Yeah, wow is right. It is magnifique!" -Mike's accent was on the last syllable of this last word - "Without these, I'd be in the poorhouse. Thank Allah there are lots of horny peeps in Cedarville. Woo hoo. Good times." Mike's voice flailed up into another piercing screech.
"Oh, are you Muslim?"
"No. I just hate Christians. I don't give them any quarter."
"Oh-"
They exited back into the fluorescent light of the front area of the store. And were met by an angry woman with a shock of short bleached hair and bags like beaten luggage under her eyes. "Mike!"
Mike jumped. "Um, Mark, this is Carol Howl. She has a one percent stake in BJ's and is our resident exquisite designer-"
Carol rolled her eyes. "Cut the crap, Mike. Sheesh, no wonder you can never get a girl. Because you are such a girl-"
Mike giggled. "Oh, Carol-" He reached out and took the posterboard from her hands, turning it over so that he and Mark could both look at it. "Magnifique!" he said.
Carol's eyes rolled again. "Whatever. Just put it up."
Mark recognized the two naked ladies adorning the display ad, their legs spread to expose their chunky, crimson, hairless labia. "Dana Callahan and Jane Sheckleton!"
"You know their work?"
"I've seen a video or two of theirs-"
"I thought you were homosexual-"
"I'm bi-"
"Oh. Sorry." Mike's hands shook a bit. "Well, these ladies bring us a lot of revenue. They're favorites of our customers-"
"Really?"
"Yeah. Why do you look so surprised?"
Mark examined the numerous folds of belly fat of the women and their cavernous vaginas for a second, his four-incher retracting to one inch. "Oh, not surprised at all. They're mighty fine. Love the thin mustaches-"
"Ah, you're a connoisseur. You're gonna do well at BJ's, my boy."
Mark sighed silently. "Well, thank you, boss-"
"Huzzah! That's what I like to hear." Mike handed the posterboard back to Carol. "Now come around the counter and I'll introduce you to Mister Cash Register-"
Mark followed the man, exchanging a smirking eye roll with Carol as Mike stepped behind the cash register, opened the drawer with a ding of a button and exclaimed, "Woo hoo! Good times!"
