Lo(o)se

"Rapin' Ripley" Escapes, Has the Last Laugh

Unpopular Undecorated Officer Dies in Related Unrelated Tragedy

By Dustin Ruxefjord
Evening Gazette Staff Writer

Cedarville - Alleged notorious, deviant criminal Saul Wuffleman, also known as "Rapin' Ripley," escaped Saturday from Cedarville State Prison. Wuffleman, a British citizen, had been incarcerated since his alleged assassination attempt of international singing sensation Justin Bieber at the awards ceremony for the Cedarville 10K almost two months ago. An All Points Bulletin was issued for the capture of Wuffleman minutes after he escaped. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous.

Wuffleman received the nickname "Rapin' Ripley" after his alleged involvement in over 200 rapes, murders, and possible mungings over the span of the last five years in the United Kingdom. Though there is no evidence that Wuffleman was involved in any of the crimes, Scotland Yard said that it is obvious that he is guilty. When reached for direct comment, Scotland Yard had no comment.

Wuffleman's alleged attack on Bieber came as a surprise to many. The beloved singer, whose fans range all ages, genders, sexual orientations, and religions, was believed to have no enemies. Questions still surround the motive for Wuffleman's alleged assassination attempt, which, had it been successful, would have gone down in history as probably the most devious assassination of all time, just ahead of those of Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy and that of DJ Jam Master Jay. The motive may never be known until Wuffleman is recaptured. But that will be a difficult task, according to Detective Jerry Wead. "He's a very slippery character, a chameleon, very much like a video game character who can shed identities and weapons willy-nilly. We'll be lucky just to get a glimpse of him," said Detective Wead.

This is the first escape from Cedarville State Prison in its 20-year history. And it is the first major incident since the several unsolved murders that took place there a few years ago. According to Detective Wead, Wuffleman will be charged with those murders as well, since, as he said, "It's obvious he's involved, even if we don't have any evidence."

In an unrelated yet related tragedy, Detective Jorge T. Vinos died of an apparent heart attack at a local book store Saturday while investigating a series of missing persons cases. The unpopular detective, who is the only officer never to receive any sort of award or commendation from the Cedarville Police Department, was more known to criminals and the community at large for his flashy pens and annoying barking than his actual police work. However, Detective Vinos was the arresting officer in the case of Wuffleman, providing the department with a rare double-arrest when he also took in the notorious exhibitionist Mike Tennyson, who allegedly exposed his incredibly tiny micro penis to the crowd at the Cedarville 10K awards ceremony, on the same day. Tennyson was released on personal recognizance and a hearing for his alleged criminal conduct is still pending.

Detective Vinos died at Mark's Books, Videos, and Toys, a popular book store frequented regularly by the city's teenagers and children, where the detective had stopped in to inquire about several missing persons. "We were having a nice chat," said Mark Dennison, the store's owner and a local hero who is credited with saving the life of Bieber. "Then all of a sudden, the detective barked out loud, screamed, 'I'll ask the questions!,' grabbed his chest, and fell over." By the time paramedics arrived, Detective Vinos was already dead.

Detective Wead, the partner of Detective Vinos had this to say about his fallen comrade: "Um, who?" he laughed. "Oh, yeah, Jorge. Well, um, yeah, he was an interesting guy. Could never get a word in edgewise with the fellow. Especially if you asked him a question. But he was happy to have finally made an arrest when he manhandled that deviant Tennyson and slapped the cuffs on him. It's possible he may have gotten a compliment from the Captain for that."

There will be no service for Detective Vinos, per his request and because the city does not have funds to provide one. Donations can be sent to The Tourette's Association of America in his name.

Pamela Pohanka contributed to this report.