Recipe

Ingredients:

1 Warden Pam Randall Love Handle
1 Assistant Warden Hectric Beering
1 Erin Randall, six months pregnant
5 overly large cucumbers
1 straight razor
1 pair of black gloves
1 big butcher's knife
3 rolls of duct tape
1 pair of tinsnips
3 dining room chairs
1 tube Super Glue
1 pan
2 cups olive oil
1 shaker of salt

Directions:

1. Put on your black gloves and hide in Warden Pam Randall Love Handle's home. Attack, strip, and duct-tape (wrists, ankles, mouth) to a chair each individual as he/she arrives. Place each against a wall so that they can't fall backwards. Position each at the front of their chair so that their genitals and anus are exposed.

2. Turn on the front burner of the stove to HIGH. Insert the largest butcher's knife you can find in Love Handle's kitchen into the rings of the reddening front burner. Leave for later.

3. Beginning with Love Handle, carefully remove her top and bottom eyelids with your straight razor and use the Super Glue as a coagulant. Repeat on Beering and Erin. This will prevent them from closing their eyes and missing out on the excitement.

4. Cut the inner thigh of Erin and use the blood as lube to rape her in front of her mother. When done, say something sweet like, "Can you feel my AIDS in your pussy?" Or "I think I just brain-fucked your fetus." Or something cute like that. You can also say racist things to her since she's half-white/half-Asian.

5. Beginning with Love Handle, center the first of the cucumbers in her vagina and strike with the palm of your other hand until it is completely lodged. Repeat on her anus. Grab the red-hot knife from the front burner of the stove and place on Love Handle's vagina and anus to solder the openings. Be sure to say something like, "I thought your cunt would've had cobwebs falling out of it." Or "That's the first thing that's been in there since that" and point to her raped daughter. Repeat on Beering and Erin.

6. Using your tinsnips, clip Beering's scrotum down the middle, dislodge his testicles from the sack, and snip them off. Remove the duct tape from Love Handle's mouth, shove one testicle in, and replace the duct tape. Repeat on Erin.

7. Using your straight razor, saw off Beering's retracted penis. Remove the duct tape from his mouth, shove the penis in, and replace the duct tape. Since he looks like a woman, you will make him a woman.

8. While Beering is squirming, puncture his belly with the butcher's knife under his sternum and drag the knife down to his pubic region. Push on the sides of his fat belly until his innards pour out onto the floor. Step on them as you walk past him into the kitchen.

9. Turn the front burner down to MEDIUM heat. Pour two cups of olive oil into a pan and set on the burner.

10. Using a combination of your straight razor and the butcher's knife, carve a perfect oval around the protruding belly of Erin Randall. Be sure to hack deeply and as close to the womb as possible. Do not worry about the fetus - it will be toast soon anyway. Once finished, remove the top portion of Erin's belly from her body, exposing the fetus, sort of like a medical examiner removes the top part of the skull during an autopsy in order to get at the brain. (If Erin should pass out during this, slap her several times to awaken her.) Dislodge the fetus, cut the umbilical cord, and hold it up for mother and grandmother to see.

11. Place the fetus in the olive oil. Simmer for 5-10 minutes on each side or at least until it stops writhing. Cut it into small pieces.

12. Place several small pieces into the mouths of Love Handle and Erin and replace the duct tape across their faces. Eat a couple pieces yourself. You can salt to taste.

13. Erin and Beering should be goners by now. Kick their faces to make sure. Then turn to Love Handle.

14. With the dexterity of an orangutan, remove her nipples and Super Glue them to her head to show her as the devil she is. Then quickly gut her as you did Beering earlier and place the rest of the cooked fetus into her abdominal cavity. Once she expires, turn all the burners on the stove to HIGH, wipe your gloves on your victims' faces, re-pocket your razor and tinsnips, and leave as if nothing has happened. Because really, after the house burns to ashes and there's no evidence, nothing really did, did it?

Pro-Choice Like White Elephants

Hook left. Hook Right. Thrust, thrust, thrust. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Circles, circles, circles. Hook left hook right thrust thrust thrust wiggle wiggle wiggle circles circles circles. Draaaaaaagggggggggggggg. Nothing.

"Nothing?"

"Nope, not a fucking thing-"

"Try it again-"

"Ah, mom-"

"No, we gotta get it out-"

He looked at the bent tip shining with mucous and blood. "Ah, this is so fucking cliche. Just go to the clinic-"

"I can't. I'm not allowed back there. They won't do more than four on the same person-"

"Well, a hospital then-"

"With what money? And how are we gonna get there?"

"Yeah." He looked down at her shaved cunt. "We could try the vacuum cleaner-"

"Fuck that. And suck my guts out-"

"No, I could rig a really thin tip with a straw and some tape-"

"Uh-uh. Ain't happening-"

"I could jump on your stomach-"

"No-"

"Or punch you-"

"You know how fucking hard you punch? Your fist'll go through my spine-"

He laughed. Then put his fingers to her clit and rubbed back and forth a few times before she squirmed her soaked folds away. "Why not just keep-"

"No-"

"I mean, don't you wonder-"

"I don't-"

"What it'll look like?"

"Nope-"

"A little me-"

"Nope-"

He lowered his head.

"What? Are you pussying out?"

"No, it's not that-"

"Then what?"

"I don't know, it's weird-"

"How?"

"Like killing myself almost-"

"Don't be stupid. Besides, a 2nd generation-"

His head shot up and he looked into her bleary eyes. "What?"

"Nothing-"

"My father-"

"Don't worry about it. Just stop being a pussy and do what you gotta do. Believe me, you don't want it anymore than I do-"

A huff. And tears that won't reach his eyelids. Then one finger, two, three, four, turn in the thumb. Deep breath. Punch. All the way through. Dig, dig, dig. Against her writhing and yelps, sliding around his forearm like a loose glove. And pull, pull, pull. Until his hand is free. And the clot of himself and her, a dead wad of snot and pus, lays between her legs. Free.