Din-Din

Cast of Characters

Mark Dennison - hero, antihero, ubermensch, prophet, savior

Maury Wright - catatonic, pony-tailed, five-o'clock-shadowed underachiever and Mark's current best friend

Maude-Lyn Wright - Maury's mother and Cedarville High School's clinical, robotic English teacher whose appearance gives one the impression that she was half a chromosome away from being born with Down's Syndrome

Ned Wright, Jr. - Maury's precocious 5 year-old brother, who inspires pity from all he meets because of his haircut, which is the obvious result of Maude-Lyn placing a bowl atop his head and going to town with a pair of dull scissors

Ned Wright, Sr. - Maury's elderly father and Cedarville High School's music teacher and band leader, who is deaf in one ear and hard of hearing in the other and will never be caught dead out of his plaid shirt, oversized jeans, and suspenders

A 12-gauge shotgun - so Anton won't get mad

Act One (and only)

Scene One (and only)


(The Wrights' dining room. A rectangular table, covered in a plastic tablecloth with little flowers on it, sits in the center of the room. Four bowls are in its center: one contains macaroni and cheese; the second, Vienna sausages; the third, large rubbery meatballs; and the fourth, the thickest pasta Mark's ever seen. Maude-Lyn sits at one end of the table, Ned Sr. sits at the other end. Mark and Maury sit on one side, Little Ned on the other.)

MAUDE-LYN: How is everything, Mark?

MARK: Good. Especially the mac-n-cheese. It's magnifique (pronounced 'mag-neee-feek').

MAUDE-LYN: Well, thank you. This is Little Ned's favorite meal. We have it a few times a week. I thought you would like it.

MARK: I'll tell everyone in class tomorrow how good it was.

MAUDE-LYN: Thank you, Mark, but you do not have to do that. (She shakes her head.) I do not know how Bertha Shears maintains an A in my class.

MARK: Why is that?

MAUDE-LYN: Because she spends all of her time looking at you.

(Mark looks down to his plate and laughs.)

MAUDE-LYN: So you have noticed too?

MARK: She's pretty obvious-

MAUDE-LYN: Do her attentions bother you? It does not make for an unpleasant schooling environment for you, does it?

MARK: Oh, no, it doesn't bother me. She's never said anything to me. Other than hi every now and then. I guess it's kind of flattering-

MAUDE-LYN: I am sure Maury would be flattered. That is, if a girl ever looked at him. (She laughs.)

NED SR.: Huh? Maury's getting fatter?

MAUDE-LYN: (pointing to her ear) Turn up your hearing aid, Ned. I said, Maury wishes a girl would give him some attention-

NED SR.: Yeah, even the wrong kind.

MAURY: Thanks.

MAUDE-LYN: Learn to take a joke, son. If you could laugh at yourself, you would be a lot happier.

NED SR.: Yeah, you'd have a lot to laugh at-

NED JR.: (pointing at his plate) Look! Mommy, look at my art!

(Everyone looks at Ned Jr.'s plate. His pasta borders his plate in a semi-circle; in the middle, two meatballs rest above a horizontal Vienna sausage.)

NED JR.: It's Daddy!

MAUDE-LYN: That is very good, Little Ned.

(Ned Jr. looks at his mother. His bottom lip pops out and his eyes well up. He takes a deep breath, then lets out a wail that shakes everyone's eardrums but Ned Sr.'s.)

MAUDE-LYN: (reaching over and stroking Little Ned's arm) Little Ned, it is great. Just great. It is a fantastic piece of work. It looks just like Daddy. It is....perfect!

NED JR.: I can't eat.

MAUDE-LYN: Yes, you can. You need to eat so you can grow up and be even smarter and make even greater art.

NED JR.: No, I can't. I can't eat Daddy. (He puts his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands and continues to sob silently, the jagged edges of his bowl cut shivering with his breaths.)

MAUDE-LYN: (looking to Mark) Those are the travails of having a talented and gifted child. It is very challenging. You have got to give the appropriate level of praise or all bets are off.

MARK: I can see that. Wow. Amazing. And that cool little haircut of his-

NED SR: Huh? Who's talking smut?

MAUDE-LYN: (pointing to her ear) Turn up your hearing aid, Ned. Mark just said that he thinks Little Ned is very gifted.

MARK: You know, Maury's bright too-

MAUDE-LYN: You would never know it. He does not apply himself.

MARK: He did make the honor roll last quarter-

NED SR.: By the skin of his teeth. And that's after a good brushing.

MAUDE-LYN: (laughing) Oh, Ned-

MARK: Yes, but the honor roll's still good. Of course, everyone can do better-

MAUDE-LYN: What did you get on your report card, Mark?

MARK: (looking down and almost whispering) All A's.

MAUDE-LYN: See right there. And it is because you work your behind off and overachieve-

MARK: Actually, I-

MAUDE-LYN: All Maury does is lock himself up in his room with his video games and DVDs.

NED SR.: I think maybe if we take the TV out of his room-

MAURY: Dad-

MAUDE-LYN: I do not think that is the answer. Maury, you are just going to have to be more like Mark and Little Ned and your father-

NED SR.: Huh? Wed your father?

MAUDE-LYN: (pointing to her ear) Turn up your hearing aid, Ned.

(Mark and Maury exchange a sideways glance and roll their eyes at one another. A few more bites off their plates and they are finished eating. Mark sits back from the table and places his napkin on his plate. He looks over at the top of Ned Jr.'s bent shaking head and wonders what his little brain tastes like.)

MAUDE-LYN: So Mark, are your parents still together?

MARK: No, ma'am, my mother and father split up when I was three. I haven't seen or heard from my father since. I do know, though, that he died in Iraq during the initial invasion.

MAUDE-LYN: Oh, really? That is horrible. I am very sorry to hear that. His blood is on President Bush's hands.

NED SR.: Huh? Bush is still a band?

MAUDE-LYN: (pointing to her ear) Turn up your hearing aid, Ned. Mark lost his father in Iraq, at the hands of George Bush.

NED SR.: I'm sorry to hear that, Mark. Damn George Bush! (He slams his fist on the table.) I lost my father in the second world war. In '45. Thanks to Truman, that war-mongering son of a bitch. We never should have entered that war either. I can't wait until this country collapses. It's been nothing but war, war, war since its inception. Killing nothing but innocents. Like my father. And yours. There's never any reason to go to war. Once this country is toppled, there will be peace on earth for a million years. (He slams both fists on the table.)

(Mark, Maury, Maude-Lyn, and Ned Jr. stare at flushed-face Ned Sr. for several minutes. Then Ned Jr. begins to cry loudly once more.)

MAUDE-LYN: It is okay, Neddie. Daddy is not mad at you. He is mad at the criminal President Bush and President Truman. You go on up to your room now and work on your spelling. I will be up a little later. Remember, we are still working on one- and two-letter words.

NED JR.: (getting up and walking out of the room.) I can't eat Daddy, I can't eat Daddy, I can't eat Daddy, I....

MAUDE-LYN: (whispering) We are a very anti-war, anti-violence family. We believe in peace at all costs. Especially Big Ned. He gets a little emotional sometimes.

NED SR.: How did your father die, Mark? Was it friendly fire?

MARK: No, sir. His squad was ambushed. He was the only one who was killed.

NED SR.: Figures-

MARK: His commanding officer said that he was responsible for saving the lives of his fellow soldiers and actually helping them to defeat the insurgents who attacked them. He was given a Purple Heart.

NED SR.: What a shame. What a shame. And I bet you don't have anything to remember him by, do you?

MARK: No, sir.

NED SR.: Do you like to hunt, Mark?

MARK: Huh?

NED SR.: I didn't stutter. Geez, you sound like Maury. When he opens his mouth every blue moon. I said, do you like to hunt?

MARK: I've never been hunting-

(Ned Sr. gets up and exits the room in a hurry.)

MAURY: Thanks, Mark-

MAUDE-LYN: Maury Wright!

(Ned Sr. enters the room carrying a large double-barreled shotgun.)

NED SR.: This was my father's. I've been hunting since I was child. My grandfather used to take me out hunting until I was old enough to go with my buddies. I wish I'd been able to go with my dad.

MARK: Me, too-

NED SR.: I keep it in my gun case in the living room with my rifles and ammo. But it goes on the top rung. I don't know what I'd do without it. Every time I shoot it, I can feel my father looking down on me.

MARK: That's great-

NED SR.: You know, Mark, if you ever want to go hunting, I can arrange it. I've never been able to get Maury out there with me. I'll even let you use my father's gun here.

MARK: Sir, I look forward to shooting your father's gun someday.

Exeunt.